Monthly Archives: December 2016

Connection in a Struggling Relationship

Why do couples struggle to stay intimate?
This is a question that baffled me when I started working in this field. Many women would say to me “what do I do when the feelings in a marriage are gone?” or men I work with to save their marriage would share “when a marriage is over to one person can you get it back?” I wanted to know why when the feelings in a marriage are gone can they not be restored with focus and effort. The good news is they can, the problem is 3 main things stop couples from reconnecting which I will explain in this article.
Most people if asked: “Is intimacy in a relationship important to you?” Would answer yes absolutely yes.
Yet I found individuals and couples don’t even focus on it when they think the marriage is over!

Individuals need intimacy is it one of the basic human needs according to many psychologists and wellness experts. This is supported by Anthony Robbins who studied universal human needs and in the basic 4 needs was a need for love and connection. Dr Stonsy PhD claims that intimacy is also crucial to normal human functioning and can help ward off depression, aggression, and calm anxiety.

A relationship needs intimacy, otherwise it will slowly wither and die. Sadly I see this time and time again when individuals or couples come to me with their marriage in crisis there is always a break down in intimacy. Divorce statistics support this, lack of intimacy and connection is often to blame.

What amazes me is if we all value intimacy in a relationship and recognise it as important for a lasting loving close relationship. Then why aren’t couples able to restore it in relationships once it has been broken or lost?

There are 3 main reasons I have found for why couples struggle to get back their intimate connection when a relationship breaks down. I will outline them and give you some tips.

Men and Women View Intimacy Differently

One of key reasons why hetro-sexual couples find it hard to get intimacy back is because
men and women have differing views of what it means to be intimate. Having helped countless couples save their marriage now, I often ask men and women separately what does being intimate mean to you? On average here are the answers (of course there are always exceptions).

For men intimacy is:
A physical connection
Foreplay
Holding hands, hugging and kissing
Physical time alone together
Sexual intimacy
Doing things together

For women intimacy is:
An emotional connection
Sharing important issues
Listening to things about their husband’s day
Being able to cry about emotional events and experiences together
Being emotionally aware when feelings are hurt
Knowing one another’s hopes and dreams

Men tend to associate intimacy as being physical, touching and sex and for women it is more about talking intimately face to face. Helen Fisher PhD claims that this is a “behavior that probably evolved millions of years ago when ancestral females spent days holding their infants up in front of them, soothing them with words. She found similar to me that Men, often regard intimacy as working or playing side by side”

Parenting Changes Lives For the Better

Foster parenting is a term that almost everyone has heard of, but few realize what the steps are to becoming foster parents and why people decide to do so. If you have ever wondered what foster parenting means, here is a glimpse into this amazing world.

What is a Foster Parent?

In certain special cases, the state or a social service agency deems it would be in the best interests of children to be separated from the custody of their biological parents. This situation is temporary until the children and parents can be reunited at a later time once certain conditions have been met.

Foster parents fill the gap during this leave period by providing for the needs of the child through emotional support and care.

But the role of foster parents is much more than this.

They become a lifeline to children who are seeking genuine love, care, acceptance, and protection during their time of need. But as many foster parents can attest to, the experience is priceless due to the good that is generated towards and from the children they are caring for.

How Do You Become a Foster Parent?

First and foremost, prospective foster parents have caring hearts. Foster parenting is typified by acts of kindness and compassion towards children who find themselves in unfortunate situations that are beyond their control.

If you feel a prompting to help as a foster parent, the next step is to contact a local foster care organization to express your interest. A representative will meet with you and provide an overview of the program philosophy, mission statement, and the history of the agency and their commitment to children.

After these preliminary meetings, you may sign up for classes, which are offered to potential foster parents. The classes provide training and advice on the care of foster children. Once these classes are completed, an official application can be submitted, and the process of candidate evaluation begins.

A Rewarding Life Experience

It is said that giving is more blessed than receiving. This statement becomes a reality with foster parents and foster children. Close bonds can be formed during these times and the joy of helping young children reestablish their lives is fulfilling. And in the event that a child cannot be reunited with their biological parents, the process of adoption can possibly be made available.

What is not true about destination wedding in Italy

Italy would be the destination of choice for many who would want to get married outside their country. The reasons are obvious. Italy is a placed with a landmark of history, beautiful culture, loving and friendly people and a center where the romantic atmosphere is exemplified.

With all of the above, no doubt it would be a good ground to solemnize a marriage. It is though disturbing that some people hold some myths about this legendary place for many reasons that are proven to not be true.

Here in this article, a look at some of those claims by people will be examined so you can get a true picture of what really holds in Italy if you intend having your destination wedding in Italy.

Italy is expensive for such venture

Italy may boast of the popular brands in fashion and designs known around the world, but this does not translate to making the wedding in Italy expensive to execute. Yes, Italy is known for luxury and glamor, yet, you can have your wedding done with less expense than you would do locally.

If you talk of the venues and decorations, you have less to spend because the venues are such that they already have the look desired. The medieval castles, villa, and halls have little to add in terms of decoration. You look at it this way; if you are giving yourself a treat in a wedding, a vacation with friends and your honeymoon all in one adventurous trip, would you not have saved much at the end?

The bureaucracy is an obstacle

Not that really. While it is not an obstacle to getting married in Italy legally, you will need to go through processes of getting the authorization which is applicable also anywhere around the world. There are stages you have to follow of which the final one would be to get the authorization requiring that both bride and groom appear for it three days to the wedding. What you will need to do here is to have a consultant who has been in this business and the documentation and the process won’t be a hassle for you.

Personalization for the wedding is not achievable

The wedding is yours to plan. Why can’t you have it personalized the way you want? With a wedding planner working according to your directions, it is yours to add or subtract in your wedding Planner Italy. The fact that the cultures in Italy may be an influence does not mean you can’t infuse what you want even if you are going to have a Trento marriage.

Individuation and Crying Over The Wonder Woman Trailer

Ok, lets get the trailer out of the way. Because this isn’t a postcard about feminism, this is a postcard about masculinism. And the fact that spellcheck doesn’t even recognise it as a word goes a long way to making my point. But first, in order to really make my point, I need to vent about that trailer. So strap yourselves in for a couple of paragraphs, because I’m not feeling warm and fuzzy about it.

I can’t tell you how excited I was about that movie. The Lasso of Truth and indestructible Bracelets of Submission for heaven’s sake. How much material for awesomeness do you need? And then the trailer began, and within a minute my heart was sinking as I watched yet another portrayal of a woman’s power being defined by her capacity to reject her femininity, embody masculine energy and to wear a sexy outfit as she uses destructive weapons to fight and brutalize men. Now excuse me while I get out my soapbox and megaphone, because I need to yell this part. A person’s power does not come from diminishing the value or power of the opposite sex, making them redundant, or from putting them in their place. That’s just fear and unresolved pain plus the exertion of will. A woman does not need to become a man in order to defend herself or her equality. Women’s bodies are not supposed to be ‘tight’ and excessively muscular or kicking anyone’s ass. Feminine power is fluid, creative, intuitive, nurturing magic. And believe me, if you think that physical aggression is power, that any kind of kicking ass and taking names behaviour is power, then you have never messed with a woman in full possession of her magic.

I am incredibly lucky to be part of a group of women who meet every other week to challenge, support and celebrate each other through the trials and victories of life, along with all the places in between. We often laughingly refer to ourselves as a coven, and we are only half kidding. I cannot begin to tell you the hardship and darkness these women have lived through. And they have risen, not by fighting or exacting revenge or staying angry, but through their capacity to process deep rivers of pain through grief, forgiveness, making difficult choices, and ultimately by returning to love. That, my friends, is power.

But while the Wonder Woman trailer may have been the inciting incident that brought me to the page, I’m not here to write with an exclusively pro-woman agenda. So let me explain.

As I mentioned in my previous postcard, I take time to process my experiences. So on November 8th last year, the only thing I felt was surprised. 24 hours later, I sat down in a dark, candle-lit temple in California, and cried…for an hour. My heart was hurting so badly, that I’d needed solace. But what healed me that night wasn’t meditation, or another woman sitting with me in solidarity. It was watching a young man, maybe in his early 30’s, performing his spiritual ritual. Dressed head to toe in white, his dark hair shaved to nearly nothing, he sat in meditation in front of an altar until after maybe 30 minutes he stood, cleaned the altar, and left. It was all I needed. An experience of an aspect of true masculine energy as the perfect balm for a dark, dark time.

So men, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we women are becoming pretty vocal, active and insistent about our place in the world and the way we want to be seen and treated, and I’d like to invite you to join us. Because I can spend the rest of my life becoming an empowered woman, but if you aren’t healing with me, then half of my heart will never be quiet. Because we are not separate or divided, this isn’t us versus you, so I need us to do this together. But I need you to start taking a stand too, not for us, but for yourselves. Because as far as I can tell, here’s how YOU are being portrayed in popular culture, most of the time, with varying degrees of severity…

Apparently, your true nature is to be either aggressively violent, or to remain perpetually adolescent, always looking for a ‘get out of jail free’ card to renounce responsibility for your relationships, homes, children, and adulthood. They say your truest desire for connection with women is to have as little accountability and commitment as possible, to use pornography, visit strip clubs and generally to objectify women. Apparently you have no desire or capacity for authentic intimacy. In fact, what you really want, is for the woman you have your primary relationship with to be your mother, the one who emotionally supports you and will always be there. The person who keeps a home you can come back to at the end of the day, weekends, or just whenever you feel like it, and that other women outside of your primary relationship are where you place your fantasy life, just as you did when you were 16. Also your obsession with women’s bodies or sleeping with as many of them as possible without any degree of intimacy or commitment, a healthy part of an experimental phase of adolescence, is actually your true, fully matured nature. Essentially you are developmentally challenged teenage boys, trapped somewhere between puberty and adolescence, without an innate desire or even capacity to progress into maturity. It is a profoundly disrespectful portrait, and I can only imagine deeply frustrating.

Because we’re going to all this trouble to teach young girls that they are smart, that they don’t need rescuing, and that they are not sexual objects. And that being a princess is great, so long as you have your eye on becoming a queen. But if we’re not empowering boys with equivalent teachings, then this whole thing, as far as I can tell, is just going to keep going round and around. And this battle of the sexes is never going to end.

I’m not denying that these portraits are true reflections of a disturbingly large percentage of the male population. I’m saying that these portraits depict the shadow masculine who has become stuck at a developmental stage of life due to some kind of trauma, or the absence of a qualified elder or elders to guide him into adulthood. Men in their whole state are not irresponsible, commitment-phobic, sexually insatiable, Peter Pans. Nor are they instinctively misogynistic or filled with rage and the need or desire to be violent.

What’s described here, I believe, is a psyche that hasn’t received what it needs to individuate into adulthood. What is a healthy state of attachment to his mother, sexual experimentation and a fervent interest in the opposite sex in adolescence, becomes dark when that man isn’t fathered into manhood. His psyche gets stuck and is still being expressed by a man in his 60’s, or indeed any age beyond the appropriate time. The same goes for a woman who has not received the fathering she needed, to be guided into her value and power and sent out into the world as a woman. She becomes trapped in a dysfunctional cycle of trying to get that power and value, most likely still from a man, but now through her sexuality, or by trying to be a man or by simply giving up and stepping into the mother role in all of her subsequent relationships with men. What was once a healthy need goes into shadow and becomes an angry, frightened sense of entitlement and frustration.